2009

2009 is almost here, It makes me feel Somewhat refreshed and Feel like I need to move on out of Crappy 2008. I hope 2009 brings Joy.

I'm Blessed with a Lovely Baby Girl and that's always a beautiful way to start a new year.

I'll be going to the Tye party, They always have amazing Parties. That should help me feel better.... Can't wait to see all the friends that know how to put a smile on my face. Plus this year I get my Shelly with us too! Last year She was crusin to Mexico! 

Bringing in the new year.... A Year to patch and repair my hurt, anger, aggression, but most of all, another year to watch Emma Grow... these past 2 years have flown by, and Man she is So Smart and Amazing. It's weird to think about what my life was like before her, She saved me from doing alot of stupid things and caused me to grow up some - I'm sure I need to grow up more...but life is short!

I Love my baby, I Love my Family, I Love my Friends, and Lets enjoy this new Year...

Xmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve. It doesn't feel like it..... I Pick up Emma @ 6:30, Makes me sad it has to be so late, but we negotiated.... ughhhhhh

Then off to Grandmas....

Whats real

I hate this. I hate this all.


I want snuggles, cuddles and Love.


My Brain Can't handle it all, But Yet it's what I want.

Why confusing times? Why was this chosen for me.

When do I feel Happiness and When is it real.

Sperm Donor

Damage. Pain. Hurt.

Sucks.

I need Normal.

I Need a Home.

I need My Baby.

I need happiness...

I need Love...

So much I need, and so much of it is out of reach...

This is not the life I picked.

I never wanted to feel this abuse.

I've always just wanted to be happy.

You Shattered my happiness.

Your a Heartless Bastard.

I hate you.

I wish you were a sperm donor only.

Can't wait 2 B normal

I'm not relationship Material.
My mind, nor my heart is ready.

For now, I will Rest my heart.

Someday I will be Healed from this damage...

Someday I will feel Alive again.

I can't wait.... To be normal

What Goes around...

I told my Boss today I'd not be returning to work after today. I was so scared and Nervous, but I talked to the people at work and had alot of support.

I feel like it's a big move for me. I'm used to my Boss and co-workers and It's like we are family. Janice is like my women to women counsler here and always helps me out when she can see I'm upset.

I'm sad to leave. So many life changes all at once. I've worked here for 3 years. and today at 4:30 is my last time clocking out....

I totally didn't think I'd be this sad over quitting here. Its like on graduation day when you suddenly realize your never going to see all these people again, thats how I feel right now.

I know things will get better. I know I can survive and This job is going to make it all possible...

I can't wait to overcome all the hurt Mo has done to me. I can't wait to move further with my life and my Baby Girl.

If it wasn't for her, I'd have no reason. But she will always be my reason for living. She is my reason to smile and care. I'm blessed.

My next step is getting this pain out of me. Forcing myself to let it go. It all sounds so easy, But it's so hard.

I hope someday Both of them try to care what they have/are doing. I hope they can learn to be a little less cold hearted. They both hurt me.

I have never and will never cheat on anyone, No one deserves this. Especially not me. All I wanted was a family, and all I got was lies and someone elses pussy juice on my mans dick. It was all a waste, except for the Fact of Emma.

Emma is Amazing. She's my life. My Love. My Happiness.

Fuck people that cheat. Fuck people that Lie. Fuck people that abuse. Fuck people that Hurt others.

Once a Cheater, Always a cheater. They both cheat, and I can't wait for the day they start cheating on eachother.

What goes around comes around, and I can't wait for it to come around.

Employed! Finally!

So.... Finally I got a Real Job! lol

Thanks times a million to Marne, It's good to have her as a friend!!! She's a friend willing to Help, and she did!

I'll now be working at Arvato Digital Services :)

Putting Emma in daycare for 3 days a week.... I'm scared and worried, but I know it will all work out and all be worth it. If anything she will be learning even more everyday and will get to play with kids her age :). Thursdays and Fridays She will be with Her grandma :)

I'm one step closer to getting my own place, and re-starting my own life. 2009 is going to be my self-fix year. I plan on fixing my credit, and my life in every way possible. I've been neglecting alot of important things and now is when I need to focus!

My Life can be beautiful... with alot of work and alot of planning I can finally have the life I want and deserve without having to depend on others to make it happen for me.

Today has been a Good Day. The first Good day in the Past Month. I hope things keep going well :)

Tears Keep goin'

Tears are all I have...

Life is Weird. Why did Life Choose this for me? Why?

I know usually everything happens for a reason and it's usually trying to teach a lesson or something. But Fuck, It Hurts.

Why couldn't it have been a break up? why did it have to be this way? Why couldn't he tell me he's unhappy and we could have split without cheating, lying, and hurting.

My heart hurts. I used to think people were just dramatic saying that. and now I'm forced to feel this pain. 24-7

I'm forced to share my baby, I'm forced to keep on going even tho I feel like it's so hard.

I have knives sticking out of my back and heart and it's not fair.

So much confusion in my head about all of this. I'm an emotional wreak the majority of my recent days.

I drive and cry. For no reason, Just because of the pain I have.

I'm tired of tears, but it's the only way I have to get some kind of feeling out without exploding.

I miss m baby. I wish she was with me right now. I want to hug her and laugh with her and enjoy her. But I don't get to. Not today.

I'm trying to calm down my shit talking. I'm trying to make things right the best way I know how. I'm trying to accept the fact that no matter what I say or do, Mo and Lacie are going to be a couple. It hurts. but I can't do anything to change any of it. that kills me.

I never imaginged my life like this. I never imagined I'd ever have to feel the pain I do. and all I can do it cry. thats my one and only option. Crying.

I can't wait for the day I can wake up in the morning and feel ok, and I wish I knew how much longer I have to wait for that day. I wake up and the first thing I think about is My Emma. and thats hardest when she's not with me. Even tho it's a day or two that I have to go without her, it still just kills me. She is my little Girl. She is the one person in this world that I would give my life for. She's my happiness, Joy and Heart.

All the things I've had to go thru are just crazy. I frown upon the few people that have hurt me. I wish they could see my heart, and the fact thas its broken. and I wish they cared. But they don't.

I Never hought this would be me, I never thought this would happen. I never thought I could feel this way. I'm depressed, and it's the worst feeling I've ever had to deal with.

Tears are all I have to work with. Tears are my way out. I can only cry to feel better for the moment. But I have no Long term fix for any of this.

All I want is to be with Emma. I want her with me 24-7 and I'm not allowed that.

I love my Little Girl so much, more then I thought I could ever Love anyone.

The best thing that ever happened to me was Emma. She is the only thing right now that even makes my life worth living. She makes me smile and Happy. I need her.

I feel like a lost puppy dog... and I have no idea where to go or what to do to find my way to become happy again.

I want Emma so bad.... right now. She would make these tears stop, she would make me smile and feel whole.

I would never wish this situation on anyone. I would never want anyone to have to feel the way I do right now. It's not fair and No one should ever have to feel this pain caused by the person they loved for 3 years. Its like I've been hit by a train and didnt even see it coming. How did I not see it, How was I so blind. How do I give my full Heart and trust to someone who is capiable of this?

I'm Blind. I trust too much. and I care to much. I put myself in the position to be a door mat. and I got walked all over and thrown in the trash can.

I can't wait to Pick up Emma Tomorrow. and Hold her. and Love her.